australian and the kiwi

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Joined
Jul 18, 2008
Messages
64
Location
bradford uk
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)
Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'That sheep's a blo*dy liar……'




8O :D :oops: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Im on a fat chick thing.......
This big massive fat chick walks into a bars and yells "If anyone can guess how heavy I am I'm gunna have sex with you"
From the other side of the room a bloke screams out " You'd have have to weight 3 ton you ugly cow"
and the fat chick says "Close enough you'll do!"
 
aussie working on a big sheep station has to look after a new kiwi worker and show him how the place works.

first job is to ride around the boundary fence and check for dammage or stuck livestock. (porbably they use horses but i reckon it should be Hberg 750's)

aussie rides first and sees the fence shaking. he shouts to the kiwi oi! we got one

they ride up to the source of the shaking fence and find a sheep with its head stuck under the lowest wire.

Aussie : righto mate this is how we do things on this station watch n learn!

the Aussie drops his strides and has his way with the sheep.

kiwi looks on enthusiastically and when the Aussie yells "your turn!" he too drops his strides and gets into postion behind the sheep, he takes a firm grasp of the fleece with both hands, steadies himself then he heaves the sheep out of the fence, throwing it over his shoulder and with the hole in the fence now free he rams his head firmly under the fence.
 
A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well.... I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
 

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