Kiwi jokes for Bergbro

Why wasn't Jesus born in Sydney?
They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.


What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?


What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?

What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball.

petem said:

What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?


What's a Tasmanians idea of foreplay?
You awake, mum?

What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male? The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball.

Click to expand...

And why do you know so much about the mating habits of the aussie male ?

Coz he's not a sheep so knows stuff all about the kiwi male..........

berglsmerg said:

petem said:

What's an Australians idea of foreplay?
You awake?

Click to expand...

And why do you know so much about the mating habits of the aussie male ?

Click to expand...

I don't, though I can see now that you at least know how to f**k up a quote! You're asking the wrong feller - I didn't write that post, husapye did. :mrgreen:

You'll see that my post wasn't specific to any race/religion/culture, and in fact I first heard it told about two guys from the county of Cornwall in south-west UK.

@ bonegraft aussie aussie aussie oi oi oi :cheers:

Easy now tiger ! I apologise unreservedly for the mistake. Why not fire back with a witty remark instead of losing your wit and firing up ? This is apparently a lighter side thread and I believe your pious, self-righteous, aggressive attitude has no place in this thread.

While you are in the mood to tell it like it is, can you shed some light on to why that particular quote came up attributed to you when it was indeed husapye's ? I cant explain it.

RE: no specific race/religion/culture. This thread is about the friendly sledging that occurs between Australia and NZ, what do you think ANZAC stands for ? As far as I'm concerned you should feel privleged to be even mentioned in this thread ! Furthermore, are you that conservative and uptight that you cant express an opinion,only to fall back on a generic statement in fear of offfending or suffering a diminished popularity? We are all adults here, polite, sharing, community minded adults.

Take a friggen chill pill mate it's that sort of caper that lowers the tone of light hearted, good natured threads like this.

In summary, take a spoon and eat my ass.

Somebody may be aggressive etc, but I don't think it's me! :mrgreen:

I wasn't at all upset, my reply was meant to be a witty remark. See what I mean - "f**k up" in reply to a comment about *mating* habits? No? Too subtle? Oh well, can't win them all I guess.

Maybe it lost something in translation? :twisted:

No idea how the quote got screwed up but these things will happen from time to time where a computer's involved.

As you say, this is obviously an ANZAC thread so I apologise unreservedly for posting in it, and for any unintentional offence I've caused. I'll get out of here now before I upset anyone else.

berglsmerg and petem, you boys kiss and make up now. This is a humor thread. I'll let the two of you decide who wants to be who in a game of kiwi animal husbandry....... :bounce3:

I love and respect Australia and my Australian brothers, they are just jokes and I can take the piss out of myself and get a big laugh out of the sheep jokes too...cheers all

No dramas petem, only wish I new some good pommie jokes now. So here is a joke about nothing in particular

An old gambler is called into the taxation office for an audit, it seem his massive income is inconsistent with his stated profession of professional gambler. He takes his lawyer along with him. At the meeting the Auditor questions him re his profession.
" You state on your tax return that you are a professional gambler, I require proof of this"
The old fella replies " Sure, I bet you 5K I can bite my own eye"
The Auditor being a pure numbers man calculates the odds and figures that ther is no way possible the old guy can achieve this and agrees to the bet. The old guy pulls a glass eye out of its socket and bites it. The Auditor is taken aback and a little worried at losing 5K so easily.
The old gambler then says, "Double or nothing, I bet you I can bite my other eye"
The Auditor thinks that the old man cannot possibly have a second glass eye so he agrees to the bet thinking he will clear his debt easily. The old gambler pulls out his false teeth and bites his good eye. The auditor has now turned a sickly shade of green realising he is in the hole for 10k.
The old fella the says to the Auditor, "Final offer, double or nothing, I can piss over the top of your desk into your rubbish bin without getting a single drop on your desk". The Aditor is desperate now and sees his opportunity to weasel out of a 10K debt as he is seated benind a massive mahogany desk and the bin is a good four feet from the desk so he agrees.
The old gambler wheels out his piece and proceeds to piss all over the desk and even manages to cause a little collateral damage to the Auditors suit. Seeing this the Auditor gives a shout of joy while the lawyer holds his head in his hands and groans.
The Auditor asks the lawyer what is wrong as the old Gambler has just proved himself as the genuine article
The lawyer replies, "It's not that, when we walked in here my client bet me 20K that he could piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it."

No joke..... justa comment.

The downside to electronic communications is the removal of both physical and verbal expression (hence the need to invent smilies). This unfortunatly leaves the interpretation up to the mood of the reader.........

This is the LIGHTER SIDE thread which had been a little dorment for a while, thus I thort it may be interesting to show the world how we laugh at ourselves and each other down here ( if you read back through the "emotional needs" thread you will even see an admission of a lack of humour in some countries) to help lighten this dreary world we live in.......

And most importantly.... KIWIS have broad shoulders coz we are used to taking the crap from all those lesser nationalities out there...... (tung firmley in cheek)

Personaly i dont go for personal insults, but good natured ribbing helps lighten the moment.......... and we must lead by example.

So keep up the good humour peeps.

P.S. Aussies are always good for a story or 2 coz all they do all day is sit around and talk (out of one end or another). Thats why half our work force is poms, coz the Kiwis have gone to Aussie to do the work that the Ockers are still talking about........
Now that should get a responce!