Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it"
Bluey said "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles around her."
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."
and another!
Text of a an actual letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of
Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than
workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the
jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do
before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No
bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -nothin'!!
Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa
hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon,
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on
a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in
the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like
the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows
before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable
and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your
own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady
yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best
the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin'
wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the
boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill
and again!
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "F**k off, I'm on disability benefit!"
and just incase you think we always thought our rugby team was good.....
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his
parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his Parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the English RFU as the
boy firmly believes that England are not capable of beating anyone.
sorry can't find the aussie joke about "couldn't see..." so you see i'm still uselesss at jokes!
regards
Taffy
