Kiwi jokes for Bergbro

Here ya go mate....

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."


NZ Earthquake
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit New Zealand this morning. The country is devastated with 350,000 New Zealanders missing, and over 100,000 injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government is so overwhelmed that it has issued a worldwide appeal for assistance. Other nations have been quick to respond to the disaster.
Britain is flying in rescue workers and sniffer dogs to help locate trapped victims.
The USA is flying in food supplies and aid money.
France is flying in doctors, nurses and first aid units.
Japan is flying in high tech communications equipment.
Germany is flying in special trained police squads to help restore order.
Russia is flying in tents and warm clothing.
Australia is flying in 350,000 replacement Kiwis.......

A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, **** off and get your own!'

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their sheep..

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's not a pig but a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: " Shut up, I wasn't talking to you."

Prime Munister Helen Clark's husband was jogging near his home in Auckland.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the curb. "No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and Fifty dollars!" He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day, Helen decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Dr. Davis realised she'd bark her $250 offer and Helen would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks, you tight *******?!"

A Kiwi walks into a Sydney unemployment office.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find any."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive them around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "No way mate, you gotta be bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Two Kiwis are walking down a street in Sydney.
One of the Kiwis happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".
The Kiwi says to his mate, " look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to New Zealund we could make a fortune!
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK? Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us, so I'll speak in my best Aussie accent."
They enter the shop and the Kiwi says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my ute and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from New Zealund, aren't you?"
"Well... Yes," says the surprised Kiwi. "How the hell did you pick that?"
The shop owner replied, "This is a bloody dry cleaners, mate!

Top stuff bro. there's even a cupla nu ones there. keep it up, an maybe a few more will join in.

A small homosexual man walks into a bar and sits down next to a massive Maori bloke. He leans over and asks in a very quiet voice " Can I give you a ******** ? " The big guy jumps to his feet and with one mighty blow, he lays this poor little bloke out. The barman is shocked by this and asks " Why'd you do that mate, that bloke is harmless " the big guy replies, " Dunno bro he said something about a job "

Q: What you call a sheep in a kiwis backyard ?
A: Ride on lawn mower

Bruce and Kev are driving thru the padocks one day, Kev is a new hand on Bruces' farm so he is giving him the grand tour. After a while they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the barbed wire fence. The pull up and approach the animal and after looking about to see if the coast is clear Bruce drops his strides and starts shagging this sheep. Kev is a litlle shocked but Bruce assures him that its good for bonding with the flock etc etc and he should really give it a go. So Bruce finishes up and says to Kev " Your turn now " So Kev runs over and sticks his head in the fence.

Foru guys in a bar An Aussie, a Kiwi, a Irishman and a Cuban. All are bragging about having a glorious over supply of products that their home country is famous for. Paddy orders a pint o guiness takes one sip and throws it out the window exclaming that where he comes from this stuff is everywhere and not too special. Miguel the Cuban, not to be outdone, orders the finest $100 cigar, lights it has one toke and throws it out the window telling everyone that in Cuba there are some many of the things you can afford to waste the as there are plenty more where they came from. The Aussie takes a look around and then throws the Kiwi out the window.

Choice eh bro

AWWWW u da man. I like it I like. been chuckling over these. xelent.

i'm not one for remembering good jokes,but they are beauties :lol:
if you can't laugh at yourself or where you come whithout being offended,then life is pretty sad hey. :roll:
good stuff keep em coming
..weed..

Reminds me of a job I took a long time ago that had something in the contract document about racial slurs or racial taunts. I said to the HR Lady, "KIWI's are exempt from this arn't they? They are fair game". She laughed

I'm no funny man Davo , but having read sum of the debates on various threads on this site it became clear there are some witts and comedians around here. makes for a bit of lightness in a darkening world. Keep it up chaps..... any Euro humor out there? Ya cant all be stony faced surely.
Being at the bottom of the world, we KIWI's are used to having to having the worlds sh*t pass by us......
In case yas didn't know, we acctually leading the world.... just from the wrong end.
Hmmmm. must get out and see the world one day.

didn't know so many kiwis resided in oz or the jokes about lazy before. although i watched a gang film from NZ once and they all looked like layabouts. so i guess i missed the connection.

regards

Taffy

Couldn't not chuck this one in....

One kiwi asks his mate " hey broo whuts a hindu ?" The second guy thinks about it for a bit and says " I dunno broo, I thunk it leys iggs. "

.......Hey is that a Hobbit over there ?
....no, it is a hobo and a rabbit.
.....they are making a Hobbit though.

A KIWI BLOKE WAS ON EARTH DOING THE HAKA.

Meanwhile somewhere in space Aliens were watching this unusual dancs.
KAMATE KAMATE, KA-ORA KA-ORA.....

The Aliens were very interested in what was going through his mind right at this moment and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing!!! So with the Aliens hi-technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi blokes head and took part of his brain away. The Aliens sat back to see what would happen....
KAMATE KAMATE, KA-ORA KA-ORA....

??? WHAT THE ???
The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing so they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain??? The Aliens watched on.
KAMATE KAMATE, KA-ORA KA-ORA....

???WHAT THE???
The Aliens then figured these Kiwis must be very clever people as even with only half a brain. So they wanted to see what would happen if they took the remainder of his brain away and left him with NO knowledge what so ever So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down which took the final part of the Kiwis brain. Now surley he wont know anything at all, he should be too dumb to do anything now?

So the Aliens watched on as the bloke with no brains left then started singing,
WALZTING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA.........

ONE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Tests and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Test matches just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie *******s wanted to take my test tickets off me!........"

How can you tell who is the Kiwi in a shoe shop ?
The one standing in front of the UGG boots with a hard on !

I was told on the weekend that Kiwis invented the condom in 1864 using sheep bladders. Apparently they were refined by the Poms in 1867 when they removed the bladders from dead sheep.

A Kiwi walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
You'd realise I was talking to the sheep."

Awww truely stoilish stevebro........ your a closet Kiwi aren't yew?
Keep it up m8, then ya woife wont be so frustrated 8)
Note to self.... must remove web cam from bedroom

One day there was a Maori, Aussie, Kiwi and a African man. They were on a plane. Then the pilot from up front shouted back, "We are losing height. Throw out all the luggage."
So, all the men threw out all the luggage. Then the pilot said, "We are still dropping in height!"

So the African said, "I'm doing this for my country," and then he jumped out the window.

Then the Maori said, "I'm doing this for my country," and he jumped out the window.

Then the Kiwi said, "I'm doing this for my country," and then he pushed the Aussie out the door.

Luckely for the Aussie he was so full of hot air he just floated gently to the ground aye!

Q. Why do birds fly upside down in New Zealand?
A. Coz there is nothing worth ****ting on.

Q. How does a kiwi find his sheep in long grass?
A. Quite Pleasant

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "You're bull****ting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Q.Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?
A.They eat all the grass.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?
The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."
"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."
"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.
The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Kiwi is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The lady was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."
The Australian was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that ****ing Kiwi in the head again."

Two [insert nationality here]s are walking along a road and see a sheep with it's head stuck in some railings. The first one says "That's too good to miss", steps up behind the sheep, whips down his trousers and has his way with it. After a while he finishes, steps back and says to his mate "That was bl**dy marvellous - your turn now".

His mate replies - "Naaah, my head would never fit through those railings."