Helpdesk hilarities

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: A white one...
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
> >>>
> >>>Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...it's still
>
> >> on my desk... sorry ...
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
>
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Your left or my left?
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
> >>>
> >>>Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
>
> >> Gates damn it!
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it
> >>>says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it
> >>>in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
> >>>it...
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Customer: I have problems printing in red...
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
> >>>
> >>>Customer: It's not working.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
> >>>happening...
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
> >>>
> >>>Customer: OK
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Yes
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
> >>>keyboard?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
> >>>letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
> >>>
> >>>-----------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>A customer couldn't get on the internet.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Five stars.
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Netscape.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on
> >>>my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
> >>>
> >>>Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
>
> >> please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
> >>>
> >>>Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than
> >> 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>--------------------------------------------------------------------
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: How may I help you?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
> >>>
> >>>Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
> >>>
> >>>Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around
>
> >> it?

And while we're on Taff's computer theme, this is getting on a bit but its my all time classic:

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!).

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f*****g stupid to own a computer."

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.

> The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."

> Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

> "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.

> Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

> The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

> Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer




The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,

interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a

woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large

metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your

instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will

find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her! The man said, "You can't be

serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not

the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man

was given the same instructions. He took the gun And went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his

eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have

what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's

turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took

the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They

heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood

the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with

blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."





This is becky !!!!!
A mother passing her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was
made and everything was cleaned up. Then she saw the envelope on the bed. It
was addressed, "Mom". With the worst premonition she opened the letter and
read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mom,

It is with great sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new
boyfriend beacuse I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad.

I've been finding real passion with Ahmed, and he is so nice, even with all
his piercings, tattoos, beard and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the
passion, Mom. I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter.

He wants to have many more children with me, and that's now one of my
dreams, too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone, and
we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with friends for all the
cocaine and Ecstacy we want. In the meantime, we pray that science will find
a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He sure deserves it!

Don't worry about me, Mom. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter,

Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbours' house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report
card, which is in the centre drawer of my desk.

I love you.

Please call when it is safe to come home.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy,
the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the

pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time
drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the
height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating
Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.

"The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was
fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in
the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of sh!t,
like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and
flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the
croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody
was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well,
Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
Nah, you all right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet." "How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Jimmy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*#t who pushed me in the Pool.

Taffy